American Idol: One More for the Road

| Print Post This | Like (2) | Comments (4)

"THE LONGEST OF JOURNEYS," says Seacrest in a bombastic introduction to the evening's episode, "starts with the smallest of steps."

For most of us, that step was hitting the "Power" button on our TV. And the journey was slogging through four weeks of atonal warbling by nameless ne'er-do-wells on "Idol," with the occasional sob story thrown in.

Oh, and a good singer or two. Occasionally.

Now, we're treated to that most time-honored of TV traditions: a clip show. In this case, one that will introduce us to the final people this season to step into what Seacrest calls "the most famous arena in the history of television."

Unless you count "The Ed Sullivan Show." Or "American Bandstand." Or "Soul Train." Then "Idol" is definitely the most famous. In America, at least. So it's the most famous recent arena on American television. In the 2010s. That airs at night.

Anyway.

This is the broadcast that provides "Idol" with its first real opportunity to comment on its single watershed moment so far this season: The emergence of General Larry Platt's zeitgeist-harnessing hit "Pants on the Ground." And the producers dive in with aplomb, showcasing as many different performances of "Pants" as they can. As if we hadn't been forced to see them all by now.

But can they do us one better by giving us something new to talk about during this episode? Not really. But we at least wind up hearing from more good singers than bad ones, and that's certainly an improvement.

On to the evening's superlatives.

"TALENT" I'M MOST TIRED OF SEEING
Britney impressions. I get it — you sing with a little sass, a little syrup, and you swallow your words while rubbing them against a vocal cheese grater. Presto. Now stop putting these people on my TV.

MOST USELESS GUEST JUDGE
Joe Jonas. He's like a bump on a log.

MOST LIKE BETTY BOOP
Kimberly Bishop — she's the one who tells Randy he's lost weight and pledges to help kids in Africa and recycle. She sings Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" this way: "This was nawht what uhi had planned / Nawht muhy intention." She even wears a little Boop-like dress! Except Ms. Boop didn't seem anywhere near as looped. Seeing Kimberly perform kinda makes me miss Paula.

MOST LIKELY TO CAUSE A SCENE DURING HOLLYWOOD WEEK
Amanda Schechtman, the actress-type who's barely able to maintain her mental stability during her time in front of the judges. I'm not sure if she'll be the next Tatiana Del Toro, but I sense an implosion a-comin'.

BIGGEST UNANSWERED QUESTION
Did Rose Flack make it to Hollywood again? I thought she was great last season, and she got the shaft by being stuck in a bad group during the team competitions. We see her for just a few seconds during this episode. I hope she gets another shot.

BEST QUOTE EVER
"I am a beautiful man-flower."
Adrian Chandtchi, the 6-foot-8 dude who sings "Can't Help Falling in Love" like a 5th grade soloist. Of either gender. He's kindly handed his walking papers, but not before we have to see him in a swimsuit during his intro segment. I'll be scrubbing that image from my brain for days.

BEST OF THE REST
» Jessica Furney: This returning contestant — we met her feisty grandma during last year's auditions — makes quite an impact on the judges by singing "Footprints in the Sand," a song Simon co-wrote. It's a solid effort, despite its suck-up nature.
» Lee Dewyze: His humming annoys me, but when he sings, he sounds like Danny Gokey with a soul infusion. Give him his guitar and strap him to a rock tune, and I'll bet Lee could blow the roof off the place.
» Crystal Bowersox: An auditioner trying her hand at a Janis Joplin tune has an uphill battle, but Earth momma Crystal's take on "Piece of My Heart" is outfitted with some pretty tough hiking boots. I hope we see her again.
» Lacey Brown: I don't remember her from last season — she made it to the Hollywood round, apparently — but her voice is definitely Hollywood material. And she also has amazing eyes. Unless they're just really neat contacts.
» Genesis Moore: She has such a powerful sound that she almost blasts the boom mike above her head into the stratosphere. I'd love to hear her sing a whole song.
» Michael Lynche: I like the soul and sonorousness of his vocals, even if I'm frightened by the fact that his biceps are thicker than my legs.
» Aaron Kelly: It's tough to be a diminutive 16-year-old guy on "Idol" and escape the obvious comparisons to David Archuleta — and Li'l D Aaron Kelly is not. He does, however, have a good voice, some personality and a spark of potential. "He's adorable," says Kara. Aaaaaaand that's what will propel him further, perhaps.

» COMING UP: It's safe to tune in again, "Idol" fans — Hollywood Week is upon us, and with it comes the arrival of new permanent judge Ellen DeGeneres. And if the promos are to be believed, the fur will, as usual, fly. I'll have recaps on Wednesday and Thursday mornings at ExpressNightOut.com/idol.

And tomorrow, get an extra burst of "Idol" goodness: the second half of my interview with season five winner Taylor Hicks. It'll be in Express' print editions and online here.

In the meantime, what did you think of the auditions? Any favorites heading into Hollywood week? Any big hopes or fears for when Ellen comes to town? Leave your thoughts below in the comments section.

Photos courtesy Fox