IN HIS PUBLIC LIFE, my brother is a hard-nosed lawyer. In his private life, he is a womanizing boozehound. His private life has apparently caught up with him, as he confided in me that he might be entering the parenting world in the coming months. My parents don't even know yet! How do I spring this on them without feeling like I am in an episode of "Maury"? — No Name
This is so not "Maury." Isn't this more like "Ally McBeal 2.0"?
I've got an answer that might both complicate and simplify your situation: It's not up to you to say anything to your parents.
Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Dealing With a Double Life" »
Dr. Andrea Bonior dives into the world of psychology.
THE INTRODUCTION OF a new robot used for intimate connections — I mean very intimate connections — has garnered some recent news attention, due to the high level of "sophistication" this robot possesses. (Read: she talks!)
It's hard to know if this particular development is progressive or miserable.
MY EX-BOYFRIEND AND I have been broken up for two years, but he still sends me text messages on my birthday and includes me in mass messages. The last time we had a real conversation was more than a year ago. Since then, I've called him twice, but he didn't answer. If I respond to his texts, he doesn't answer either. Why does he text me when he obviously has no interest in speaking to me? — Confused
Well, this is new: It sounds like he wants to have his cake and the ability to refrain from eating it, too. Maybe he's too lazy to take you off his mass e-mail lists, or maybe he's deliberately leading you on. Most likely, he wants to keep things casual and at a distance, but doesn't want to let go of you as a "friend" in whatever sense that means to him. But it's hard for me to tell his motives, given that he might not even know them himself!
The good news is you have to do only what you want to do. If you'd rather let things die, there's no reason to respond. Or if you're responding just to be polite, that need has ended, too. If you're holding out hope of something more, however, you might do a reality check: He doesn't seem compelled to put any more effort into this relationship than he would into the one with his Great-Aunt Hilda.
Dr. Andrea Bonior dives into the world of psychology.
You might have seen him if you've waited in line at the Post Office lately, as a life-size cardboard cutout that would be imposing or even bizarrely terrifying if he didn't look so genial and harmless.
He's the Post Office guy, and has appeared in the USPS's latest ads rather ubiquitously, clearly chosen to combat whatever negative stereotypes may exist about them (I refuse to mention them here, given that my local post-office personnel — no joke — are truly lovely.)
Anyway, Post Office Dude seems totally efficient, affable, and reliable. It seems to be a great ad campaign.
So imagine my surprise when watching the latest Comcast commercial, where the very same Everyman actor is used to portray a pesky, possibly-even-breaking-into-your-house Verizon salesman.
I'M A 38-YEAR-OLD woman dating a 29-year-old man. The age difference is only a problem because it's everyone else's problem. I do not think of myself as a "cougar," and I am tired of hearing it referred to that way. We're a great match — it's not like he's doing me some favor or has some fetish. This is more of a gripe than asking for advice, though I suppose I could really use a way to tell people off. — Annoyed
So, would you prefer "sugar mama" instead?
Totally kidding! I find the whole concept ridiculous and insulting as well. But, unfortunately, this is just one relationship combination that is subject to condescension and bias. Differences in weight, attractiveness, education, religion, socioeconomic status — not to mention race and ethnicity — also seem to bring out the worst judgment in some people.
You fight the problem by being non-defensive and proud, adding to the world just one more happy couple who can shake up our cultural stereotypes that are desperate for a firebombing.
And for a response: a bemused smile, followed by a "I just can't figure out what it is in your background that makes you see it that way!" with a quick change of subject — or the gist of what you told me — would be a good start.
Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Move Out of 'Cougar' Town" »
Dr. Andrea Bonior dives into the world of psychology.
AS PEOPLE BECOME busier and busier and report feeling more and more stressed, it's important to open our eyes not just to what modern psychological science tells us about coping, but what ancient techniques can offer as well.
With that in mind, meditation has enjoyed somewhat of a resurgence of late, among both practitioners and researchers. At some local universities, where day-to-day life can often feel frenzied, transcendental meditation is slowly gaining a following.
MY HUSBAND'S FACEBOOK photo gallery has a wedding picture of him and his ex-wife. To make things worse, he has no pictures of me (although he does have lots of our son). We do have issues in our relationship, but that's beside the point: He finds nothing wrong with this, and actually blames me for being insecure. He and his ex have a daughter and are still friends. Am I just being insecure? -- Feeling like the other woman
This isn't about Facebook galleries or whose pearly whites are on display beside your tuxedoed husband. It's about feeling disrespected, disconnected and not prioritized. Your other marital issues aren't "beside the point" -- they're part of this whole stew, and you both need help before it boils over.
So, no, I don't think you're being insecure, but I think you might be trying to simplify complex, difficult issues into a he-said/she-did blame game.
None of these parts of the story exists in a vacuum, and it's the big picture that needs fixing. I really can't conceive of a way that this could get better without a helpful third party. Couples counseling might not be able to heal all of these issues -- after all, I don't even know what some of them are -- but it's by far the best bet you have for doing so. If he refuses to go, consider it a bad sign, and go yourself to try to sort out what's best for yourself and the children in this.
Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Time for 'It's Complicated'" »
Dr. Andrea Bonior dives into the world of psychology.
IS HEROISM BORN or made? Does it take an extraordinary person to do extraordinary things? When we celebrate people as heroes, do we elevate them to the point that it discourages people from believing that the most "normal" among us can achieve heroic feats as well?
Miep Gies, who passed away this week at the age of 100, raised many of these questions. Risking her life for two years, she helped hide and protect Anne Frank, the rest of the Frank family, and several other Jewish people from the Nazis. She also safeguarded Anne's diary (though didn't read it) and gave it to Anne's father after Anne's death in a concentration camp.
Maintaining steadfastly throughout her long life that many unnamed others did far more than she did, she always bristled at being called a hero and declared it "unfair." She also worried that to brand someone a hero is to make it seem like you need some extraordinary quality in order to help others, something no one should ever fail to try to do.
Are there people of her character around to the same extent today?
Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Humanity, Help & Heroism" »
I HAVE SEEN three awful therapists in a row. The first one seemed bored with me and never had any insights. The second was a total flake. I've started with someone new, and he just doesn't get what I'm saying. I know it's your job to say that therapy is helpful, and I do believe there are some good therapists out there, but, honestly, how in the minority are they? I thought the third time would be the charm. — What Gives?
I don't think there's an official "Cruddy Therapist" statistic to delineate exactly how many out there are not up to snuff. But I do feel strongly that you've either had a run of awful luck or perhaps might be giving up too soon when the going gets rough. Regardless, I'm sorry you've had such a frustrating experience. Every profession has its bad apples and its downright odd bananas.
I don't know what areas you're specifically looking for help with, but I urge you not to give up. Try to talk to your current therapist about the disconnect you're feeling, and see whether there's any hope for improvement. If not, please try again, and lay out for your prospective providers what you've laid out here.
Dr. Andrea Bonior dives into the world of psychology.
NEW RESEARCH PUBLISHED in the Journal of the American Medical Association casts doubt on the efficacy of anti-depressants for the treatment of moderate levels of clinical depression.
Though a small-scale study, it is already creating big waves, given that antidepressants are among the most commonly prescribed (and heavily advertised!) medications on the market.
More research is obviously needed, but there's one big reason why this is not necessarily awful news:
Addison Road