GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.
When my relationship with my fiance went downhill for a while, I felt tempted to have other relationships. Everything was going well until I started lying and cheating on him with a co-worker and never felt guilty about it. I ended the sexual relationship and moved on with my fiance. I feel just a little awful for what I did, but only when my girlfriends talk about how wrong it is to cheat on a good man. Why didn't I care? — Please Help
Your letter has more holes than a Swiss cheese dartboard.
What was happening when your relationship was going "downhill"? Then, suddenly, "everything was going well," but how is this possible, given that you were on the brink of doing something that you believed to be wrong?
My hunch is that the force that drove you to behave the way you did was so strong that it overpowered your sense of remorse. The key to your understanding and fixing this situation will be to figure out what that force was and is. Resentment, self-sabotage, boredom, aggression, impulse control problems, incompatibility, loneliness — any of these things could've pushed you to the edge or made you rationalize bad behavior. A relationship simply can't be healthy with that many bones clattering around in the closet. Be honest about what "downhill" meant and figure out what needs to change. And may that force not be with you.
Dr. Andrea Bonior dives into the world of psychology.
GROUNDBREAKING NEW RESEARCH suggests that men who hold more egalitarian views of gender roles make less money than men who hold more "traditional" gender role beliefs.
Now, before we all assume it's because all the egalitarian dudes became kindergarten teachers, the most fascinating part of this finding is that it held true when comparing men across the exact same jobs and amount of hours worked. In other words, it isn't just that men with more egalitarian views are choosing lower-pressure jobs or working shorter hours to be with their families. It's that hour for hour, for presumably the same duties performed, men with more egalitarian views are getting paid less than those who see the world through Ward Cleaver's glasses. (Sadly, it comes as no surprise that women made less than both groups of men, with the traditional-gender-roled women making the least of all.)
Two basic explanations have been publicized for this rather surprising finding. Either the egalitarian men themselves are worse at negotiating their pay, or there is more systematic discrimination going on, in that those who don't conform to a certain stereotype are being punished via paycheck.
But thanks to a discussion with my (wonderful and egalitarian — Ramen noodles, anyone?) husband, further ideas have come to light. Although many job titles and descriptions might be created equal, office cultures — and bosses — certainly are not.
Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Paying for Pay Equality?" »
GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.
How do I get my boyfriend to help out more around our place? Everyone warned me that when we moved in together, I would feel like his mother. And it is happening! Before we moved in, I thought of him as neat and organized. Now I swear he doesn't lift a finger. What gives? — PO'd
Everyone warned you before co-habitating that you'd turn into his mother? And here the only risk I'd heard of was the Battle of the Thermostat!
Yes, it's difficult to choose your words carefully when your peripheral vision is clouded with days-old Thai takeout containers. But talk you must, before this pattern sets into an irreversible funk that makes caked-on beef kaprow look downright heavenly in comparison.
"I feel like I'm doing more to keep our place in shape than I should be," is a start. Don't accuse, but express your own discomfort. Then suggest some small but tangible steps toward a solution. You don't have to bust out a chore wheel, but try to agree on some joint ways to balance the burden. Be flexible, patient, clear and observant, since this is something of a test of how well you guys can manage conflict.
Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Not Maid for Each Other?" »
Dr. Andrea Bonior dives into the world of psychology.
THE ECONOMY: It's impossible to avoid thinking about it, even if your understanding of the world of investment banking is limited to that hot tip of buying low and selling high. But Monday was the worst single day on Wall Street in seven years, and the goings-on have dominated media coverage, and water cooler grumblings, ever since.
GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.
I have a friend who is always so competitive with me. It is never on the up-and-up, but under the surface. When she likes an outfit, she has to find out how much I paid so she can decide whether I got a deal. She is always asking me questions about my boyfriends so she can decide whether she should be jealous. Don't even get me started about college and work. She has a "plan" about where she wants to be by the time she's 30 and she talks about it all the time. Is there any way this friendship can be saved? — Tired of This
I don't know. Is there any way that ant-covered Twix on the sidewalk is edible?
Sorry — I'm just a bit incredulous that you're asking whether the friendship can be saved rather than whether that's something you'd want to do. You don't give any indication that this is a recent change — if it were, I'd wonder about newfound anxieties, emotional problems or financial difficulties for your friend. Instead, it seems like you might be dealing with someone whose outlook on life consists of figuring out whose head would make the best step stool. She might simply be incapable of being a true friend, at least at this point in her life.
There's also the possibility that you two have some sort of one-upping dyad going in which you are egging her on, unconsciously or consciously. Sometimes certain people bring out the worst in us, in which case some self-exploration might be necessary. I'd order it with a side of cost-benefit analysis; the positives of this relationship remain mysterious to me.
Continue Reading "Baggage Check: The Winner for Most Annoying Friend Is..." »
Dr. Andrea Bonior dives into the world of psychology.
Much has been written about female oral contraception — aka "The Pill" — in the almost 50 years since it was introduced. But new research has given those discussions a novel twist: Does the Pill, in overriding normal processes of ovulation, take away a woman's natural evolutionary advantages in choosing a biologically-compatible man?
GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.
My best friend is in love with a jerk. For three years, through the birth of their child, through the daily arguments, I have been there to listen and support her, trying hard not to give her the "Why are you still with this idiot?" speech. A few weeks ago, she was primed to leave him. Now, she has completely turned around. I'm so tired of listening to her complain. Do I beg her to pack up and leave, or keep up my sympathetic routine while boiling over inside? — Ugh!
There are several important truths in life: Netflix pop-ups will eventually take over the world; anything can be made tastier by adding bacon or chocolate; and — this is most germane to your question — there is some middle ground between listening without opinion and screaming, "Why are you still with this idiot?"
Of course, finding that sweet spot can be tough. But try you must — stuffing all of your reactions won't do your friend any good, and it's certainly not good for your gastrointestinal tract!
Sometimes, being a friend means looking out for someone at the risk of their not wanting to hear what you have to say. Showing sympathy and giving your perspective do not have to be mutually exclusive — you can feel very sorry that she is so wrapped up in a dysfunctional situation that she's no longer able to use good judgment.
So, try to find your voice. You have a good opening with the fact that she had already started to make plans to leave. A starter kit: "I'm getting confused about what you really want — you were ready to leave him, and I would've been supportive of that, but then you changed your mind and it seems we're back to square one with no improvement whatsoever. I'm worried about you." You need not berate her guy; focus instead on her and her child's health, happiness and free will — and the fact that you hate to see her jeopardize any of that over and over again.
Dr. Andrea Bonior dives into the world of psychology.
LATELY, THE URGE to pontificate about the secret lives of politicians (or their children!) has become almost unbearable. But my friends and family have heard enough: more scientifically stimulating is new research that seems to suggest that a man's propensity to be a downright cringe-worthy husband is predicted in part by his genetic makeup.
The Swedish study, which is sure to become fodder for late-night talk shows, focuses on a gene variant that is present in 40 percent of men. Unfortunately for the women who marry these men ("But his mom seemed so nice!"), it appears that the variant's presence is associated with a higher rate of infidelity, marital discord, divorce and being considered emotionally unavailable.
GOT ISSUES? Dr. Andrea Bonior will help you sort them out.
I have a tendency to fall for my bosses. Twice I've left jobs because my working conditions became intolerable because of my feelings for my immediate supervisors. I've always had crushes on older, powerful men, but I do not tend to date them. I tend to date immature jerks. I don't even know where to begin in sorting this out. — Help Me!
Hmm — I've never heard a better rationale for those late-night TV spots about being your own boss!
Actually, it's not a totally alarming situation here, for a couple reasons. You're aware of the pattern, you don't seem to be acting irresponsibly or self-destructively, and the attractions have happened only twice. No, this is not a call to arms to crush your way through every supervisor from here to accounts receiving, but it should serve to remind you that coincidences happen, and to be infatuated with two bosses does not necessarily mean you are doomed forever to fall for those who ask you to get those reports in by close of business.
Nonetheless, your insights about your attraction to powerful men and your tendency to date a totally different type are important. Perhaps you tend to be drawn to the opposite, unattainable personification of who you're struggling with in your real-life relationships. Or, perhaps you seek out those relationships because you fear that one with the type you're truly attracted to wouldn't work out, so you sabotage yourself. Finally, maybe (I hear you, Freud, I'm getting to it!) you have some complicated stuff that's gone on with your father.
The only way to know for sure is to do some serious soul-searching, which might be helped by talking with a professional. In the meantime, consider looking for bosses named Mildred.
Dr. Andrea Bonior dives into the world of psychology.
SUDDENLY, THE ROADS are crowded again: this week, most school districts in the Washington area opened for business.
As parents fill their shopping carts with crayons, notebooks, and this year's "it" jeans, it's important to remember that children today face very different school experiences than generations before. This is not to resort to a comparison of current students' woes versus "back in the day" stories of trudging four snowbound miles uphill to an unheated classroom, but rather to be realistic that with modern technological advances come modern risks.
Continue Reading "Baggage Check: The Altercation Superhighway" »
Addison Road