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With summer's lazy days comes a disruption in the routine and structure that's been established over the school year. This can be particularly difficult when a child has Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, with the adjustment to new boundaries, schedules and surroundings being particularly stressful. So stressful, in fact, that new research suggests that parents of children with ADHD are almost twice as likely to divorce as other parents by the time the child is 8 years old.
Of course, this isn't necessarily just because children with ADHD add to the strain in a marriage. Children with ADHD are more likely to have parents with ADHD, which might also give those marriages tougher odds. And it's impossible yet to say if some additional variable increases both the risk of the child's ADHD and the parents' troubles.
Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Parents, ADHD Children and Divorce" »
I'm a 50-years-young professional who's been divorced for three years. Physical looks and attraction have always been my No. 1 criteria! But this time I've told myself to find a real life partner. Six months ago, a male friend approached me once again to give him a chance. He's a good friend and a great lover. He's a perfect match on almost all levels — but I don't have that passionate feeling for him. Physically, he is not my type! How stupid is it to allow appearance to weigh over everything else? — Advice Appreciated!
This seems like a novel twist on a classic problem: I'm stuck on the apparent contradiction of your not being attracted to him but calling him a great lover. Are you just giving him an A for effort?
Physical spark is no doubt important — I wouldn't advise anyone to forge on without it. But people define spark differently, and you seem to possibly be confusing it with what "type" he is. Regardless, you need not make this decision yet. It's been only six months. Give it more time and see whether passion starts to simmer. If you're extolling his virtues as a lover rather than wanting to wear full-body armor in his presence, that's a good sign that it will.
Continue Reading "Baggage Check: What's the Look of Love?" »
The shockwaves that a new baby can bring to a family are substantial, even in the most idyllic of circumstances. And the "normal" experience of having a newborn in your home is almost undefinable: Sleep becomes erratic, hormonal changes bring strongly shifting moods and your daily "schedule" becomes as predictable and controllable as a stomach virus.
Certainly, it's easy (and common!) to feel overwhelmed, and "baby blues" are anything but unusual. But how can you tell when your symptoms are something to take more seriously? As I stressed in a recent interview, postpartum depression is real, treatable, and should not be ignored.
Virtually anyone can benefit from the support of talking about their feelings. But warning signs of postpartum depression — where treatment becomes a necessity, for the sake of you and your baby — are as follows:
Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Spotting Postpartum Depression" »
My best friend and I bought a condo. We lived in it, then rented it out. She's been the main landlord because she lives closer (I paid her for her time). Now, we're looking to sell, and I've found out that she's been doing some unethical things in terms of handling the tenants and what she's disclosed to them. I also think she might be falsely charging me for her time. I just want to let the friendship die. Should I risk the conflict of confronting her? — D.C. Quandary
The process of selling a house can be stressful for any duo, let alone when one person thinks the other one has been screwing them over. And if she behaves unethically during the proceedings, you could be on the hook for money, legal troubles or both, which I'm guessing is not something that you'd enjoy.
Confront her, but not before you have some legal backup in case things go sour. If you're truly ready to let the friendship die, you don't have much to lose — her officially turning on you isn't much worse than her betraying you behind your back. On the other hand, bear in mind there's a possibility you don't have the whole story. Go in to the discussion with an open mind on the off chance that your best friend is still worthy of that title.
Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Real Estate but False Friend" »
For many school-age children, summer is not just about popsicles and a break from homework, but rather a scramble to get to know a new neighborhood and perhaps make a new friend or two before starting school in a new place.
A study recently published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology reports that adults who moved frequently as children reported fewer quality social relationships, lower levels of well-being and less life satisfaction.
But as much as this correlation seems to make sense, it's important to dig a little deeper. Might there be some other factor accounting for this connection? Perhaps, for instance, it's not the moving itself so much as the fact that frequently moving families might be more likely to have marital strife or financial instability — things that don't exactly make it easy to develop a happy-go-lucky view of life.
Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Moving Often as a Child May Mean Fewer Friends as an Adult" »
My husband is always looking to have "me" time on the weekends, because he says he works hard during the week and needs to unwind. But this means that he barely spends any time with me and our 9-month-old twins! He goes golfing, takes rides on his Harley and watches sporting events. He's loving to the boys when he is with them, but I don't feel like he makes them (or me) a priority. — Frustrated Wife
The first year or two of children's lives typically involve the sacrifice of a decent amount of their parents' wants. And no matter how you slice it, most endeavors involving a golf course fall into the category of wants, not needs (bring on the hate mail!).
It's not that "me" time isn't important. But taking long chunks out of every weekend when you're feeling overburdened is putting his "me" above your "me," and a solid partnership can't be sustained with that type of imbalance.
Of course, it's about compromise. But in order to get there, you have to help him understand how this affects you emotionally, and not make him feel like you're criticizing him as a father. And try to offer alternative ways for him to get "me" time without it taking quite so long.
Continue Reading "Baggage Check: No 'Me Time' All the Time" »
What is happiness? And can it be achieved through the accumulation of cold, hard cash (or perhaps granite countertops?) It's a ubiquitous question for people searching what to do with their lives, and the general consensus is that wealth does not tend to correlate as directly with happiness as one might assume.
Now, the biggest study ever on the subject — including a cross-cultural sample of tens of thousands of people across the globe — indicates that money might be somewhat associated with increased feelings of well-being, but not other factors of happiness. (This isn't hard to imagine: The constant stress of not having enough monetary resources to keep yourself safe and healthy can certainly make it hard to feel happy.) In fact, as your grandmother long suspected, other factors — like having a trusted circle of people to rely on, and feeling respected — seem to matter more.
Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Money Can Rent Happiness" »
I'm a professional, educated, single gay man in my early 30s. I have a good sense of humor and take care of myself physically. I've dated, but I've never had a serious relationship. Guys express interest, but everything seems to peter out at around the third date! I don't think I'm showing too little interest nor showing too much. How do I make dating last beyond the three-date mark? — Discouraged
The fact that you're actually getting to the third date tells me that you're not doing something egregious to drive these guys away, so much as things are fizzling more slowly.
I'd give some thought to how you're meeting guys and whether you're choosing style over substance. Do you seem to get more nervous, less natural or more distant when that magical third date comes around? Do any of your trusted friends have insight into your patterns? That said, there's not necessarily anything that you're doing that is causing this. Your lament sounds similar to that of a lot of single people. So, hang in there. The more you get out, the more you have statistics on your side.
Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Third Time's Not the Charm" »
We all know the changes that Facebook has brought into our lives: the ability to see just how doughy your high school's star quarterback has become; the unwanted blasts of information about your coworker's pretend farm. But divorce lawyers are seeing an additional wrinkle — the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers reports that 81 percent of its attorney members have dealt with evidence from Facebook in divorce proceedings.
The ways that Facebook and other social networking sites have affected modern friendships and romantic relationships are innumerable. (Plug alert! My book "The Friendship Fix," due out this winter, deals with this head-on.) From being the conduit of reconnecting a little too enthusiastically with an old flame to being the accidental, though permanent, depository of incriminating photos, Facebook and its ilk provide myriad opportunities for you to screw up your long-term relationship.
Continue Reading "Baggage Check: Facebook Evidence Enters Divorce Proceedings" »
My father-in-law is very flirtatious with me, and it absolutely grosses me out. My husband seems to laugh about it and tries to turn it into a compliment ("Why wouldn't he want to flirt with someone as hot as you?") and also minimizes it because his father is almost 80 years old. I still think it is inappropriate, and I want it to stop. — Grossed Out
Being almost 80 years old can help you get away with a lot. (Absconding with an inordinate amount of sugar packets when leaving a diner comes to mind immediately.) But harassing someone doesn't fall into that category.
Yes, you might accept a little less finesse in how he talks to you, but if he makes you feel significantly uncomfortable, you have every right to say so and even walk away.
Your husband might be feeling defensive and helpless about his dad's actions, or he also might not have gotten the memo that unwanted flirtation is not a self-esteem booster, but an irritant (or worse). Try to make the point gently — and repeatedly — to him until it sinks in.
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