Express' Arion Berger turns her critical eye to the latest episodes of "Lost."
WE'RE TWO NEW "Losts" in because, after watching last week's season premiere I spent the week freaking out over not only the revelations (and new questions, always with the new questions), but also the level of greatness this show achieves when it's good, Which isn't always. But this season is like, it's like food, chowing down on each scene, taking in everything, wanting to devour what's next.
Lessee: FutureHurleyin Los Angeles sees DeadCharlie and kills a lot of papayas on his way back to the nuthatch, where creepy "Mr. Abaddon" wants to relocate him but Hurley's not playing. FutureJack (pre-beard, who I guess is SuperFutureJack) sucks at basketball and wants Hurley to keep his mouth shut about what happened on the island, whatever that was, and Hurley has the good sense, again — why is this guy in a nuthouse? He's the only one with a brain — to refuse to promise a damn thing. DeadCharlie, looking all cleaned up and badass, tells Hurley the island wants him back, but Hurley's like, "Kill your own polar bears, man. I'm out." We know that six people made it back from island. We've seen only three.
Continue Reading "Couch Tomato: 'Lost' Is Back. Any Questions?" »
STUPID WRITERS' STRIKE.
The "House" Christmas episode is aired at the butt-end of January; "Ugly Betty," "Desperate Housewives" and "Grey's Anatomy" are back so sporadically I miss every single episode and have to give half my savings to ABC via iTunes.
The only saving grace of this season is catching a few minutes of a reality-dating-competition show in which a magical phrase is used. A stripper looks into the camera and accuses a fellow contestant of being "the biggest [rhymes with flicktrucker doorwag] in the house."
Welcome, ladies and germs — and ladies with germs — to "Rock of Love With Bret Michaels" (Sundays on VH1).
Express' Arion Berger hits the high and low notes in the world of television.
TBS's "10 Items or Less" brings the funny despite its downscale production values. Photo courtesy TBS
PACKED OFF THE parents, threw away the leftovers, boxed up the most egregious of decorations, broke the toys, read the books, wore the pajamas. The holidays — mine, anyway — are over. So herein, to cap off the year, I present the Extremely Biased, Slightly Hung Over, Totally Nutrient-Free Column o' Lists.
The EBSHOTNFCoL is a chance for your Couch Tomato to sound off on a sorta-year, sorta-half season's worth of TeeVee, and a chance for you to weigh in with angry rebuttals and unnecessarily ad hominem remarks. Let's go, shall we?
BEST NEW SHOWS
"Dirty Sexy Money" (ABC) and "Mad Men" (AMC) take the '80s nighttime soap into swank new territory. "DSM" is saturated in money, and the acting is just as rich, especially Donald Sutherland's — the ornate pronunciamentos he squeezes through his bone-white clackers are a delight, as are the reactions of his callow brood of grown, spoiled children. As for "Mad Men," you don't have to have a taste for the Man in the Gray Flannel Suit era of American business, as I do, to fall for this early-'60s ad agency as its buttoned-up, bourbon-pounding Rabbit Angstroms and beehived, bestockinged wives and secretaries struggle with the dawn of a new era. Smoke 'em if you've got 'em, people.
Continue Reading "Couch Tomato: That Was the Season That Was" »
Express' Arion Berger hits the high and low notes in the world of television.
I PROMISED to make facetious lists of overrated and underrated shows this
week, but Christmas came early for the Couch Tomato. Despite the writers' strike keeping us glued to the likes of "Crowned" — not really — ABC has sent out screeners for the first two episodes of "Cashmere Mafia." (It'll get its first public showing during a sneak preview on Jan. 6 at 10 p.m.)
It doesn't have to be great; all this hourlong soap has to do is be better than NBC's "Lipstick Jungle," the same(ish) basic story cribbed directly from Candace "Sex and the City" Bushnell's book and the cause of a whole lot of hate between the networks. Everyone's looking for a new "SATC," and Bushnell's tale, which basically puts 10 years on her HBO hitmakers and lets them plausibly drink water at lunch, seemed like such a hot ticket that the nets are now scrabbling over who has rights to the concept.
If the pilot is any indication, "Cashmere Mafia" is gonna claw "Lipstick Jungle's" eyes out. I mean, NBC has Brooke Shields. How obvious.
What ABC has is Lucy Liu, Frances O'Connor, Miranda Otto and Bonnie Summerville as four hot thirtysomethings with spectacular jobs trying to negotiate love and work amid a boys' club known as Life. It also has brilliant direction from Peyton Reed ("Bring It On," "Down With Love"), who extracts grace notes from his cast that take the breath away.
Express' Arion Berger hits the high and low notes of the week (so far) in television.
NOTE: The shows described below have already aired. If you've Tivo'd or DVR'd any of them, you will be spoiled.
"Pushing Daisies" (Wednesdays, ABC)
I tried, folks, I tried. The brilliant minds over at Tifaux.com think it's the greatest thing since the pie slicer and who am I to argue?
Anyway, thanks to ABC.com's full episodes (with limited commercial interruptions, which exploit the dull-witted and absent-minded by making you actively "click here to continue" after Snuggles the Dryer Bear has had his say), I caught up with a few episodes of this adorable, cuddlesome, snooky-wooky-frookie of a death-centered gruesitcom.
And I still hate it.
Continue Reading "Couch Tomato: 'Daisies' Dukes, 'Amazing' Goths" »
Express' Arion Berger hits the high and low notes of the week (so far) in television.
NOTE: The shows described below have already been aired. If you've Tivo'd or DVR'd any of these shows, you will be spoiled.
» ARION [skipping through forest]: La-la-la!
» EXPRESS: Hello, Arion. Would you like to blog about TV?
» ARION: Would I? I love TV! [Robins land on her shoulders]
» EXPRESS: Terrif. How's about one column a week for no pay?
» ARION: It would be my pleasure. Oh, you silly fawn, stop licking my hand. La-la-la!
» EXPRESS: You know ... "Project Runway" starts in a couple of weeks, but it's too much work to do a regular blog about one show, especially on top of a general TV column. Isn't it?
» ARION: Oh, my, yes. I might, you know, mention it.
» EXPRESS: MwahahaHAHA!
» ARION: Come again?
» EXPRESS: Nothing. Carry on. Can I interest you in a shiny red apple?
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I came to do two blogs for this site. "Runway Jury" can be found separately. This here is Couch Tomato. Welcome. Help yourself to Doritos.
UP:
You've never watched "America's Most Smartest Model" (Sundays, VH1), but it's the funniest faux-reality show since "Welcome to the Parker." In it, a semi-international bunch of really stupid male and female models compete in a mash-up of "Beauty and the Geek" and "America's Next Top Model," without the class of either of those shows. Yes, that was a joke.
There is a psycho Ukrainian named Andre who claims to speak five languages, although English doesn't appear to be one of them; a dude named Pickel; the world's stupidest Australian (Rachael) and a bunch of Zoolanders who stumble their way from ill-advised alliances to humiliating photo shoots. Ben Stein is a co-host. It is fully awesome and at the end of your life, you will gasp pleadingly that God give you those hours back you wasted watching it. But He will not.
Speaking of "Top Model," do you wanna be on top, as host Tyra coos in her "hit" single that is the show's theme? Then don't be Heather.
In the go-sees episode — traditionally the high point of every "ANTM" cycle — the gurlz had to hit various designers' lofts in Shanghai and make it back to home base by 6 p.m. Delicious bitchery ensued: Saleisha "Marky Ramone" pleaded wide-eyed ignorance when Bianca asked where a designer was located, even though Saleisha had just been there and it was in the same building. Chantal wore pink-and-black underwear to a go-see in which she was asked to wear a sheer dress, and the show actually flashed back to Miss J telling the girls to keep on neutral dainties for just such a contingency. Naughty Chantal!
Heather stepped out of her taxi and straight into Chinese Wonderland, wandering the streets in a daze with no particular sense of urgency. She was lost for hours, made her way to exactly one go-see, then lost her taxi! Then, both Jenah and Chantal at different points in the narrative spotted her still vaguely mooching about the Shanghai streets, quietly calling, "Mister taxi!," got out of their own cars to say hi-de-ho, got back in their cars and rode off.
Continue Reading "Couch Tomato: The Most Smartest of Them All" »
Express' Arion Berger turns her critical eye on last week's "Project Runway."
NOTE: The shows described below have already been aired. If you've Tivo'd or DVR'd any of these shows, you will be spoiled.
LAST WEEK, "Project Runway" got all tizzly over the fact that a "fashion icon" was to grace the workroom with her presence.
The show likes to talk big and deliver tiny, as in the case of Season One's "Rock Star" challenge in which the contestants were asked to make a stage design for a totally random and anonymous singer whose press presence involves one slutty photo shoot for Stuff magazine. Excuse me, for Stuff.com.
But "Project Runway's" profile is much higher than it was when Austin Scarlett was the gayest thing on prime-time, and this week's "fashion icon" really was one. Sort of.
Sarah Jessica Parker is at least 1) relevant 2) famous and 3) a notorious clotheshorse. The workroom goes all squealy when she walks in. Chris March even hyperventilates that he moved to New York because of "Sex and the City" and seriously, girl, how many cliquey brunches and late-night Cosmos and pregnancy scares have you been through since packing up? I moved to D.C. because of Pamela Harriman and I can't get more than 20 people to come to a party.
Anyway, remember that SJP is less a fashion icon in her own right than she is an ex-clothes hanger on a show that dressed her up alternately as a chic party girl, a time-traveling hooker and a blind person let loose in Trash and Vaudeville to put together an outfit while the staff
stood back and laughed at her. And let's not forget it was the one and only Pat Field, "SATC" stylist and the perp responsible for SJP's costumes, who unleashed such monstrosities as the newsboy cap and the oversized cloth flower on the susceptible, Target-wearing public. What Parker wears by choice tends to be pretty and appropriate, even chic, but she's no, like, Chloe Sevigny, who's crazy as a bedbug but at least tries to make couture statements.
Not that any of that matters, because the "PR" designers were asked to create two-piece outfits that "may or may not be" sold among SJP's hideous, cheap-ass line, Bitten, and sold at various Dave & Busters across the country. The outfit had to retail for under $40 and the materials were to cost $15 or less. Day-um.
Sorry, wait. Someone's tapping my shoulder. Not Dave & Busters? Whatever. Take a look at this and tell me this line of hoodies and leggings is worthy of what Tim Gunn calls the most talented pool of designers yet. These are like the ideas that American Apparel rejected.
Continue Reading "Couch Tomato: Sarah Jessica Parker's 'Project'" »
Express' Arion Berger hits the high and low notes of the week (so far) in television.
NOTE: The shows described below have already been aired. If you've Tivo'd or DVR'd any of these shows, you will be spoiled.
UP, UP, UP!
Welcome back, "Project Runway"! (Wednesdays, Bravo) It's been a dark, cold time without "That's a lotta look," fleurchons and "Don't defend the shoe to me." "Make it work," of course, has broken free from its reality TV prison and has been romping merrily through popular culture since Season 3 went dark, but that's another story.
The premiere on Wednesday brought back all PR fans' old favorites. Not Heidi, Neena Gahcia and Sunny Delight, I mean the designers. Either this show or the fashion world trades in stereotypes, so the Bitchy Wunderkind (Christian), the Edgy Exotic (Rami), the Strong Black Woman (Carmen), the Heavyset Queen (Chris), the Nutjob (Elisa) are all on board. Simone, alas, is no longer aboard the Good Ship Make It Work IV.
It was nice to see the producers come up with a simple, strong challenge: Grab a buttload of fancy fabric and make a costume that just screams "Moi." The challenge disfavored only poor Chris, whose sprinting days are behind him, but it was nice to see L.A. girl Sweet P (whom, in full disclosure, I think I used to work with) tear off her shoes in preparation for the mad dash from the show's opening champagne party to the tent of fabrics. The Moi designs were pretty dull, but we were treated to the sight of Crazy Elisa rubbing her white silk into the grass with her knees in order to incorporate organic elements or, more likely, whatever ChemLawn uses to knock off the gophers.
The challenge produced an equal number of boring and head-spinning designs. There were bubble skirts, baby dolls, a mumsy jacket from Sister Christian, "pooing fabric" (thank you, Heidi) from Crazy Elisa. Rami won with a Grecian gown in a gorgeous stormy gray (pictured at right). Simone went home because, in a word, she's lame. No time to put in a zipper? The hell?
Favorite moment: Crazy Elisa, exhausted from zhuzshing her fabric poo in record time, takes herself a refreshing, ostentatious nap.
"Heroes" (Mondays, NBC)
Yeah, I'm returning to the well because, while I stand by my enjoyment of the meandering early Season 2 episodes, Tim Kring has picked up the pace with a vengeance with "Four Months Ago." Nixed Old Japan, brought David Anders' mysterious Adam into the present to scare everyone to death, given us enough backstory to feel like participants rather than adulants (so that's what happened to Nathan's face. And ew). Plus, I am loving the often unlovable Kristen Bell's nasty Elle and her bug-zapper hands. What the writers' strike will to do this and other beloved non-reality shows is either 1) anybody's guess or 2) a damn shame.
Continue Reading "Couch Tomato: 'Project Runway' Makes It Work" »
Express' Arion Berger hits the high and low notes of the week (so far) in television.
NOTE: The shows described below have already been aired. If you've Tivo'd or DVR'd any of these shows, you will be spoiled.
UP:
"Ugly Betty" (Thursdays, ABC)
This show continues to go from strength to strength, balancing soapy hysterics and high comedy against the chicest office set on prime time. Last week's episode brought back Claire (with a rifle aimed at Wili), Yoga (with wisdom aimed at Claire) and Alexis' memory (aimed at destroying her relationship with Bradford). The Marc and Amanda show was in fine form, and Marc's obsidian heart grew three sizes when he allowed himself to fall for a cute, chubby photographer who makes him laugh. Oh, and Christina has a see-cret.
Betty's plot is the weakest this season, I think because in her position at home and at work as solicitous mother hen leaves her little to do other than fuss around more vivid characters' lives — notably Daniel's — and not get the guy — notably Henry, although those plumping for Freddy from "Six Feet Under" (who's back this week) continue to grow in volume. Betty could have done a little more fussing, in fact, when her nephew, adorable musical theater-star-to-be Justin, began acting out in response to his father's death and Hilda went into numb shock, zombieing out (hilariously) with a widows' club. Hilda's back, boobs akimbo, so let's hope Justin deep-sixes the 'tude and gets his Tommy Tune on again.
"30 Rock" (Mondays, NBC)
I so didn't call this. Committing the cardinal sin of either/or-ing, like every other Sorkin-head, I called it for "Studio 60" without even giving it a chance to start sucking toejam three episodes in. But that wasn't the end of that, because Tina Fey called in Alec Baldwin to Shatner up the place a little and "30 Rock" is now can't-catch-a-breath funny. Last week's episode exceeded its quota of laugh lines that go right to the characters' psychology: "Which one is blow?" "The woman — or person, sorry ..." "New Jackee City," "the Smiling Irish Bastard Hall of Fame." Somewhere, Bradley Whitford is curled in a little ball, speed-redialing his agent.
Express' Arion Berger hits the high and low notes of the week (so far) in television.
NOTE: The shows described below have already been aired. If you've Tivo'd or DVR'd any of these shows, you will be spoiled.
UP:
"How I Met Your Mother" (Mondays, CBS)
The third season of this underappreciated comedy picks up steam and scalds the living heck out of its ostensible competition ("Two and a Half Men," I'm looking at you) with an episode of brilliance to rival that of season one's "The Slutty Pumpkin" and the immortal season two "Slap Bet."
"How I Met Everyone Else" not only fills in the backstories of how Ted met Marshall, Marshall met Lily, Lily met Ted, Ted met Barney and Barney met Marshall — oh, and how Barney met Lily, how Ted met Robin ... am I leaving anyone out? But also manages to introduce the not-entirely-demented idea of Barney's Hot/Crazy Scale, get Ted hitched and unhitched to a hot/crazy girl, show us how the cast will look in 20 years (tres distingue, for the most part, but does Barney die tragically in a sex-swing accident or something?) and invent a prime-time metaphor for pot-smoking masterful in its simplicity. All in half an hour. Eat it, the new hourlong "Office."
Continue Reading "Couch Tomato: 'How I Met Your Mother''s Day" »
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